When I was sixteen, I thought people would never change. And then I went to college.
Ambition and overachievement, once my best friends, turned into distant strangers. I remember always finding the same spot in the library basement - the one near the windows - where I would listen to depressing songs, hide my face inside the cubicle, and just cry about how sad my life was. I was devoid of purpose. Like a drunk driver at midnight, I lost control of the steering wheel, silently hoping my car wouldn’t crash into a tree in front of me.
And magically… it didn’t.
A few years later, I’m doing okay, and I’m sober. Looking back, I don’t know how I ended up where I am today. Sure, life threw some shit on my windshield. I wasn’t always happy.
But I was always lucky.
**
Losing control of my steering wheel meant going off the freeway and taking a detour by the forest… without a GPS.
I didn’t know where I was headed, but eventually, life drove my car to greener pastures. As my car magically parked near a thundering waterfall, I felt the breeze in my face and for the first time since I started my drive, I felt an adrenaline rush. I discovered a new purpose. I picked up music composition and discovered the joy of translating my pain into dissonant harmonies. My passion in music blinded me from chasing my other aspirations that I thought would lead me to my destination, like running for president of the CS club and doing multiple internships in the tech industry.
I’m skipping some chapters here, but to keep the long story short: taking the detour unexpectedly led me to a beautiful journey. But sometimes I wonder what would happen if I hadn’t lost control of my steering wheel.
**
One day I dared myself to drive near a flashy F-1 race car. I lowered my windows to greet the driver, only to be ignored because she had her sights set on the road. Unlike me, she seemed to have complete control of her steering wheel. I admired how much control and focus she had over her car. She seemed to have a driving force that propelled her to reach destination after destination with never ending fuel.
As much as I admired her, I couldn’t help but feel a sharp pang of regret when I discovered that she had driven the route that I planned to drive. I asked myself: “what would happen if I had put myself out there in the college CS community? what would happen if I ran for president of the CS club? why didn’t I do more internships in the tech industry?”
My first planned stop was to do multiple technical internships. I held myself back and feared rejection, so I never set my sights on that goal until it was almost too late.
My second planned stop: run for president of the CS club. After my classmates from freshman year encouraged me to run and even promised to vote for me in the next CS club president election, I set my sights on my new goal. Driven by status and fame, I hoped to pursue that stop, but life took the steering wheel away from me. Instead, it led me to an entourage of cars. The cars varied in shape and size; some drove fast like a race car, and some were just picking up speed. They were led by a driver with complete command of his steering wheel, but who still allowed the followers to pave the way forward. I decided to follow the entourage - another unexpected detour - and I realized how little I knew about leadership.
I parked on the roadside with tears in my eyes, as I realized that maybe my planned route wasn’t the right one for me.
And that maybe… I had been driving with the wrong map all along.
**
As I mark a new journey forward, I’ve drawn a new map for myself: a map where success is not a destination, and where detours are not failures. I opened my mind to a world where life is an infinite game of planned routes and detours bound by a common north star: learning and growth. I’m learning to balance controlling my steering wheel, using my ambition as fuel to reach my planned destination, yet also keeping in mind that there are some things I cannot control: my past, my mistakes, luck, and the supernatural powers of the Universe. However, as I’ve learned, detours can pave my way to more learning and growth, and as I keep learning and growing, I can make better decisions behind the wheel.
With that, I shall drive on, better than ever before.